Covid-19 has made life challenging, uncertain and fucking terrifying for people the world over. Mar a few comments months ago about missing going to the library, I haven’t really spoken about Covid-19 here or anywhere else, because, frankly, I don’t know what to say. I still find it all extremely surreal.
I was in two minds about whether this post would be a good idea or not. I decided to go ahead with it because hours are ticking by, days are passing, life is happening. While Covid-19 is something we’re all having to think about, other things continue to happen, and it should be okay to write about those things. We shouldn’t feel guilty or bothersome or foolish for writing about those things.
So today I’m going to tell you about what other things, away from Covid-19, have been making me feel sad and pissed off. Some of these are depressing, some are trivial, some are absurd…but you folks are my tribe, and I feel if I want to talk about the depressing, the trivial and the absurd, then I can absolutely do that here.
A Song I Heard On It’s A Sin
I was watching episode two of Russell T Davies’s new drama It’s A Sin the other night (it’s about the devastating effect of Aids on London’s gay community in the 1980’s) and the song Only You by Alison Moyet came on. Well. I was not prepared for the wave of grief that pummeled me, and within seconds of the song starting, I found myself choking back sobs. When the episode was finished, I sat on the couch for several minutes, utterly bereft. The song – and the episode itself – left me feeling like I’d been turned inside out.
(Have I been murmuring lines of Only You, despite how bloody terrible it leaves me feeling? Of course I have. Do I want to murmur it? No. Do I think I’ll be able to stop murmuring it? I really fucking hope so.)
My Phone Ringing
I hate it when my phone rings. Whenever I hear it wailing *makes note to change god awful ringtone* I go into panic mode and my brain tells me it’s going to be someone with terrible news, the worst news, news that will send me to the floor in a quivering heap. The severity of the panic I experience might have something to do with when I had my numerous health scares last year, and was constantly waiting on phone calls from the doctor.
I hate checking my voicemail too, on the odd occasion I get one. Again, I think I’m going to listen to it, and the person on the other end is going to tell me something that will make my knees buckle beneath me.
Now, I don’t hate hate being on the phone…if it’s the right kind of person on the other end. If I’m having a lovely conversation with someone wonderful, then that’s all good. But it’s been a while since that’s happened.
The Weakness Of This Winter
Winter has been weak this year. The lack of hard frost, the lack of snow fall, the lack of true cold…it all makes me so desperately sad. I check the forecast regularly to see what’s coming, and get news I really don’t want to hear… ‘rain, mild temperatures, gentle easterly winds…’ I’ve been escaping my sadness by writing about winter every day, shaping my enthusiasm for this most precious – and now vulnerable – of seasons, into words that will build a new book.
Seeing Videos Of People Living Their Best Lives In Norway
When I started my social media sabbatical, I probably should have come off YouTube as well. (But…but…but…where else am I going to get my ten hour blizzard ambience videos?) The videos YouTube offers up are ones I’m genuinely interested in and would like to watch, such as ‘Life In A Cabin On Svalbard’ and ‘First Day Of Sun After The Polar Night In Norway,’ but watching them stings like a bastard at the moment, because I’m not living my best life in the North. And I want to be. So bad.
Other Things That Have Made Me Sad And Pissed Off
Our neighbour’s foal who was so excited to be let out of its stable that, while bucking and kicking, managed to twist its stomach and had to be put to sleep. (I hope there are wild, endless meadows where you are now, little one.)
The wrung out scrap of rabbit I saw on the side of the road that was only identifiable by its one remaining, intact ear. (Rest easy, my friend.)
Greedy people bulk buying ‘body mist’ in the Lush-once-in-a-blue-fucking-moon sale, and reselling it on Ebay at stupid prices. Thanks to these inconsiderate few, many people who can’t normally afford to spend £20 on a body mist – and who wait especially for these rare sales where they can get one at half price – miss out.
Fly tipping. Anyone who does this doesn’t deserve space on earth.
Boy racers. You’re not impressing anyone. And slow the fuck down before you kill something.
After wading through all of that doom and gloom, I thought it would be a good idea to quickly mention a few things that have been cheering me up too.
Cave Mouth being called ‘Witch Folk’ in a French review of our album HEX.
The comments you folk leave on my blog always give me reason to smile.
“Went to Rob Roy’s grave. Saw it. Came back.” – The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole Aged 13 3/4 by Sue Townsend.
“Bats are the true creatures of the night: they are made of it. Shadows made solid.” – Under The Stars by Matt Gaw.
“I’m thirty-five. It’s about time I became interested in something, got some purpose and direction, instead of blindly bumbling around my life like it’s someone else’s kitchen.” – Born To Be Mild by Rob Temple.
What I Listened To While Writing This
Nothing. Today was one of those days which required silence.