‘Don’t bother, you stupid fuck, nobody gives a shit whether they hear from you or not.’ That’s what depression is telling me as I write this from my bed. But I’m pressing on regardless.
It’s been over four months since I started feeling depressed, only this time has been worse than any of the other episodes because depression has robbed me of my creativity. My mum said to me, ‘you’ve lost your anchor,’ when I told her how purposeless I feel, and she couldn’t have been more right.
It’s like the very essence of what makes me me is gone and isn’t coming back and I’m scared. I’m really, really scared because with each day that goes past that I can’t read a poem and feel something or that I can’t write a poem of my own, I feel less like I want to be here. Part of me thinks I need to do something like travel or hike my way out of this depression.
I don’t know what I hoped to achieve by writing this. I guess I just wanted to be a little less alone in my thoughts.
Celebrating the strange and the shadowy, the damned and unseen 
i wonder if I make too much out of the medication I take, believing that it’s working better than it is. I don’t know. I’m traveling in a couple of days. That will be a test. I’ll take pills for depression and anxiety and hope for the best. And maybe try to believe they’re working, anyway. I think there are places where you go (not far away) that are good for you. Maybe you’ll try one of them. Not that that will resolve anything. Clearly, what you’re going through is so serious. When my father said he’s hanging in there, he didn’t mean it. When I say Hang on, there’s a difference for me and I mean it. So a word to us, however it goes. Hang on.
Thank you so much for writing and for sharing what you’re going through. I’m travelling too, and it will either make or break me. I really do hope that your travels go well. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. As hard as it is to do, I will hang on, I will.
Just today I read your interview with Jannicke Wiese-Hansen about BlekkMetal and a few other posts of yours as well so just wanted to say thanks and that many people appreciate your writings and other works. I can’t really remember a time when I wasn’t depressed myself but only recently has it become severe enough that most of the things I enjoyed doing in the past mean close to nothing anymore. But anyways, you’re definitely not alone with this. It sucks, but you’re doing great by keeping on going. I don’t know a lot about your situation, of course, but I’m sure your creativity isn’t gone either – it might be dormant and it might take some time for it to come back, but it will, trust me. In the meantime, remember you’re never alone and keep on fighting. You’ve got this. Sending my best wishes from Norway.
Nocturnal
This comment means a great deal to me, thank you so much. While it helps enormously to know I’m not alone, I am extremely sorry you’re going through depression yourself, and that it’s got to the point that most things don’t hold the same joy anymore. I wake up every morning and think ‘will this be the day I’ll have an idea?’ But the hours go by and the ideas don’t come and I’m left feeling utterly hopeless.
I ended up volunteering at BlekkMetal Festival. When I think about one of the last times I felt truly happy and at peace with myself was those few days I spent in Bergen.
I agree with everything Manja-Freyja said….you are definitely not alone….depression is horrible, I have been going through it myself and I also suffer from anxiety and I have been experiencing it a lot lately….it’s basically almost made me house bound but I see a therapist and I’m hoping things get better for me….but back to you: you are definitely not alone, and I am sending you good vibes and virtual hugs…things will get better for you, it will take time….but they will get better. You’ve got this! 😘❤
Thank you so much for reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been going through it too. I’m really, really hoping that things start to improve for you and soon. ❤ I'm really struggling to leave the house at the moment and whenever I do, I see it as a victory. Those virtual hugs and good vibes are so appreciated. ❤
You got it ‘out there’. I don’t know, I would never presume to comprehend another’s depression, I just know that when the black dog bites at me, and my demons come out to play, I internalise it. It scares me, I am a fetch, condemned to walk the earth in a darkness that is so palpable, I can taste it. It tastes black. Sometimes, just sometimes, I’ve found that writing it, verbalising it -getting from in me, to ‘out there’, helps me focus.
I wish I could offer you the right words, the right means of escaping what you feel.
Just know that there are others who read your writings, who can relate to you inner turmoil, and that we are here to offer whatever support we can.
Our minds can be be our best friend, or our worse enemy, and to be alive is to feel pain, torment, love, and laughter.
Manja-Freyja 🖤
Thank you so, so much for taking the time to write to me. I truly value your insight and kindness. You’ve helped me to feel a little less alone. Sending love. ❤