I took these photographs several months ago, after a liberating time in Iceland, where I essentially grew into my sexuality. It’s taken thirty-five years to fully open up to how valuable sex is to me. Thirty-five years to realise who I am as a sexual being and what my body is capable of when I let my guard down and be in the fucking (literally) moment. Up until last year, my guard was more or less always up when I was with someone. Despite loving sex, I was skittish around it, mainly because I had such a damning view of myself and I was convinced the person with me had a damning opinion too.
When you’ve had a long-term abusive relationship with your body, it’s challenging (beyond words) to allow yourself to enjoy and experiment. To take all the pleasure your body is capable of experiencing and let others do the same. I want to write more about this, but I need to find the right way to express myself. I really should have called this post ‘I’m finally growing into my sexuality,’ because there’s still so much I need to learn to accept about myself and this flesh vessel I inhabit. And I need to learn how to express myself when I’m speaking about sex. Too often I’m tongue tied, bewildered, and, yes, SHY. (I’ve always been known as ‘the prude’ in my family, because of my ‘aghast reactions’ when family members speak about anything remotely linked to sex. I think they’re just taking the piss these days though. I’m not THAT bad.) In the meantime, while I figure out what I want to share and how I’d like to share it, I’d like to offer these pictures.
P.S. I was staying in a very small room when I took these, with hardly any space to move around let alone set up my camera. But needs must, and I needed to explore my body with my camera in a ways I really hadn’t before.