My (Mostly) Wretched Week

The first week of March was (mostly) wretched. Things started going wrong when the tragic reality of Brexit and the loss of freedom of movement descended over me like the heaviest, darkest, most miserable cloud imaginable.

I’d been thinking about Brexit matters and how they affect me for a while, but up until last week, I hadn’t immersed myself deep enough in the horror of it all to properly educate myself. I was scared to, if I’m being honest, and with good reason.

With a grimace set like concrete and a heart threatening to break, I eventually started researching deep into what moving to Norway (as well as simply visiting Norge and its Nordic neighbours) looks like now for me as a – the following is said with neither pride nor joy – British citizen. 

I was led from one doom-laden article to another. Essentially, now Brexit has closed its ugly, iron fist, what was once extremely straightforward is now going to be extremely difficult.

As a result of my findings, my sadness was nigh on impossible to shift. The thought of the struggles that lay ahead left me unable to sleep and made the relationship with my family tense and awkward. 

Brexit as a whole has left me feeling overwhelmingly angry, ashamed and embarrassed, trapped, insecure and pessimistic. A few days ago, for the first time in many weeks, I found myself battling with thoughts that told me to just get back into bed and stay there. Depression was making its move. Again.

Along with dealing with the headache and heartache caused by Brexit, I was finding it difficult, nay, impossible to structure my days and get any meaningful work done. Poems were abandoned, blog posts were deleted, and research was approached haphazardly. My brain wanted nothing to do with anything I needed to do.

But, astoundingly, half a dozen good things came from the week. First off, five days into a new lower carb, lower sugar, higher protein diet I found my face – the shape of which, if you don’t know, I’ve struggled with for many a year – was no longer replicating the moon.

I wasn’t convinced the bathroom mirror was being honest with me, so took a photo with my phone. Then I took a photo with my actual camera in case my phone and the mirror were dishonest. But the same astonished face gawped back at me. The same astonished, not bloated face. 

In the days since, I’ve been feeling my jawline, hardly able to comprehend that it’s different now. I’ve been taking multiple photos at moments during the day when I think ‘surely it’ll be bloated again now…or now…or now.’

I thought not eating my precious cereal at breakfast and supper, and forgoing carbs at dinner was going to distressingly difficult, but it’s been…relatively…manageable. So far. Instead of Weetabix and a banana in the morning, I have Alpro plain yoghurt with berries (blueberries, strawberries and blackberries) and a protein shake made with almond milk. Instead of basing my dinner around wraps or pasta, I have fake chicken and vegan feta salad with a spinach, kale and kiwi smoothie and some fruit, usually a pear or some melon. Then for supper, instead of Shredded Wheat and a banana, I’ll have yoghurt, berries and a protein shake again. Lunch is still a sandwich though. (Well, we only live once, right?)

It’s been good getting more involved with what I’m eating. I spend about half an hour more in the kitchen nowadays, so changing my diet up hasn’t been the marathon slog I imagined it would be. 

Next, I’m going to try and wean myself off having sugar in my tea, unlike changing my eating habits, it’s going to be anything but simple. Tea has been making things better for me since 1986, pretty much. I’m planning on getting a bit more adventurous with the teas I drink, despite having never enjoyed the herbal or fruit variety. I’ve just made green tea for the first time. It’s sitting next to my laptop, blisteringly hot. I’m hoping I’m going to enjoy it when it’s at a drinkable temperature.

*Update* I didn’t enjoy it.

Something else that brought light to my deplorable week was attending the Polar Museum’s Deep Freeze Festival. (It’s on until Sunday, if you’re interested.) My self-portrait At Home In The Cold is displayed on their website as part of a polar self-portrait project. It’s probably unhealthy to feel as proud as I’m feeling about this right now.

Another good thing that happened was I started to make my way through the notebooks I’ve kept since January. I abandoned everything I was trying in vain to do and devoted most of my hours this past weekend to transcribing my scrawls. It was bliss.

Oh, and I had my first Covid vaccination today. (I’m in the category of people with not so great mental health and iffy hearts.) So I guess I could say, this week I’m sort of, kind of, winning.

AND FINALLY, I discovered Alasdair Beckett-King, probably the most lovable, hilarious person on YouTube.

5 thoughts on “My (Mostly) Wretched Week”

  1. I’m damned sorry to read about the wretched things in your week (especially Brexit issues). But I’m also damned happy to read the number of positives there are in this post. I think you absolutely should be unhealthily proud to have that self-portrait displayed in that online project. 🙂 Also great to hear about the Covid vaccine and that your new diet seems to be doing good (that spinach, kale and kiwi smoothie sounds intriguing…). I can entirely relate to living on tea but still struggling to appreciate the herbal and fruit varieties. I want to like them all, but Earl Grey seems to be the fanciest type of tea I can manage. 😛

    I’ve just been having a look at the online exhibition that’s linked to on the Big Freeze page (this one: https://www.museums.cam.ac.uk/story/the-big-freeze/). The art and artefacts are amazing.

    I recently stumbled across an upcoming online talk on the Arctic which I thought I’d link to in case you were interested:

    https://londonmonthofthedead.com/thespectralarctic.html

    1. Thank you so much, you lovely human being! I haven’t been able to enjoy any of the several herbal teas I’ve tried since writing that post, so I’ve decided to stick with what I enjoy. I’m not having so much sugar in my tea nowadays though! The festival was AMAZING! There were three films to finish the festival off and they were all had a profound impact on me. I’ll need to talk about them in another post. Also, I’ve looked at the online talk and bought my ticket! 😀 I never would have known about it if you hadn’t linked me to it, so THANK YOU SO MUCH! I’ll feedback about how it went. X

      1. I’m glad you enjoyed the Big Freeze festival so much. 🙂 And I’m glad you got a ticket for that talk (it was last night, wasn’t it? I hope it was good!).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s